Mr. BIG
There are things in our life
that loom larger than life. Problems
that overwhelm us. Tough days when it
seems we just can’t do anything right.
Weeks, Months, Years when it seems that Lady Luck has left us on her
back door step for the trashman. Decades of loneliness, and lifetimes of
regret. I think sometimes there are
things that are meant to loom larger than life at us, to show us perspective
too. Sometimes we have to face down our
fears and smack ‘em.
When I first came to Arizona
and set up housekeeping, I discovered bugs.
Now that does not mean we don’t have bugs in Colorado. It means that in
Arizona, where everything grows year round, the bugs were supersized and had an
attitude. Now I am a country girl, and
not afraid of bugs much, in fact I find some of them quite interesting. But spiders.
Now that is something I can live without. Let me clarify that I consider ANYTHING with
eight legs to be a spider. This
includes spiders, scorpions, and something that the Hispanic population down
here calls an Alacran. An Alacran is a
strange mixture of spider/scorpion, with claws like a scorpion and an
attitude. I met up with one I will call
Mr. Big one day in my kitchen. It was
not a pretty sight.
He apparently had come in to
get a bite of food that my kids had dropped on the kitchen floor. I was just happily be-bopping around the
corner from the hall, when I spotted him.
Larger than anything I had ever seen.
I screamed. I ran.
The neighbors around here are
all Arizona natives and find it quite hilarious that I have a habit of doing
that. They knew right away that there
was a spider in my house as soon as they saw my entire family evacuate the
premises in a screaming mass. Then we
stood outside looking at each other, like who is gonna go handle this. I saw the neighbors setting up lawn chairs to
watch the festivities. They were
cracking open some beer and settling back for some entertainment. Huh.
Fine. I decided that I WAS GOING
TO BE BRAVE. And I took my shoe off to
go handle Mr. Big.
I sneaked into the kitchen
and eyed him from around the corner. He was busy sitting in the middle of the
kitchen. Not doing anything, just
sitting. I sneaked up on him and raised
my shoe, and about that time, He turned, raised his front loaders (claws,
somehow make these things look like a tractor) and ATTACKED. I ran for my life. Out the door with a blood curdling
scream. The neighbors clapped, hee
hawwed and gave me a 10. It was now my
son’s turn. He came in looking around,
didn’t see anything and quickly retreated.
My daughter just peeked around the corner. They looked at me like, hey you are the
parent HANDLE THIS so we can get back to our video games.
I steeled my nerves. Shoe in hand I came in, eyes alert for any
movement, hair standing up on the back of my neck. I felt like I was fighting Satan and he was
using guerilla warfare and winning. I
strained my eyes all around, looking to all sides of me, and finally peeked
back in the kitchen. There he was again,
just enjoying a snack and kicking back.
I raised my shoe, I charged. He
raised his claws and charged. I closed my eyes and I smacked him.
Now I want you to know this
is not just some ordinary creature here. These things have been known to
flatten themselves out so much they can fit in-between the pages of a book and
pop up when you open it. Sort of like
one of those artsy pop up books. And
they can use this dubious talent whenever they choose. Mr. Big chose to utilize his at the moment of
impact from my shoe. When I pulled the
shoe back, He just popped up like HA!
You missed me! And then raised
those claws and came after me.
Eight-legged freak probably would have taken my shoe away and smacked me
with it if he could have. And then he
came at me. Running full tilt, all of
his big hairy legs running in tandem.
But I didn’t run, I just stood my ground. I had armed myself, and I wasn’t giving
up. I smacked him again with the
shoe. He did the pop up thing. Again.
I went into a frenzy
then. I ran to the kitchen sink grabbed
the Raid and began to spray. He just
laughed (if spiders laugh) and chased me all around the kitchen. I ran to my room for a boot. This was it. Now I was fighting for my life,
and I was determined not to lose. He
raised his claws, glared at me with those thousand eyes, and charged. Only I was smarter this time. I hit him so hard it sent him flying through
the air out into the hall way and skidding across the floor back into the
kitchen. Then I chased him down. I must have smacked that thing a hundred
times, the entire time crying hysterical tears, until my oldest son came in and
said, “ Mom. I think he is dead, you can
quit now.” And then I collapsed in a
heap and cried real tears.
I looked at Mr. Big. Real hard, cause you can never be sure with
an enemy that large and aggressive that they won’t somehow resurrect and come
after you again. What I saw, although
gross, was amazing. He was all of three
and a half inches long. I was 5’6”. I must have scared him to death. The shoe had nothing to do with it, after
all.
Like I said, sometimes we
have problems, heartache, loneliness that just loom larger than life. If we are courageous and take a stand, we can
face down these problems, and live to tell about it. Had I backed down from Mr. Big, we would be
living elsewhere, and he would be bigger than real life by now. But I didn’t.
I faced my fear, head on with a shoe.
In all fairness, I have to
say, had God not been with me, I would be not living here, in Arizona, in this
house. It would have long ago been taken
over by spiders, and I would long ago have moved somewhere a little more bug
free. But this is the key to my
story. God IS always with me. Holding my hand, comforting me, and telling
me that if I need to, go get a bigger
shoe.
