When I started this blog project 6 months ago, I envisioned finding joy in every day. One of those joys was the thought that I would be retired as of January 1st, and would have the time to paint, write, meditate and give time to others who needed help. I envisioned volunteering at the nursing home, working at a shelter, or feeding the homeless. What I failed to understand is that when you set out to do something good, there is always more good to do than there is you to do it. This is a lesson I am just barely grasping, of course, by learning the hard way.
I spent my first few weeks of retirement cleaning and reorganizing my home, so that I would be free to do all those wonderful, high minded things once I started back to work part time. My goal was an orderly home, where everything had a place and was in it. It took an entire three weeks to finish the project, and since then many of those things have found their way back to the other things places. That is not surprising since every disaster that I could have imagined sprang up. I am not talking little disasters either. I am talking big, life changers. I assumed that everything would be sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. However, the smoke is just starting to settle and the error of my thinking is just beginning to take hold.
Since January, there have been four deaths, two major illnesses that required bedside sitting, and the ongoing onslaught of responsibilities to my family. Add to that little league games, helping out friends who are in need, keeping up with my own needs, and I have been running non-stop for almost 6 months now.
I was so tired last week, that it gave an entire new meaning to being retired. Like I was already tired, but now I am tired again, and again, and again. One day last week, I was headed to the nursing home, with side stops to pick up stuff for a friend in the hospital, then on to the hospital, the store, and finally back home, to cook dinner and walk the dog. This was after working a full day. Hoping it would jar me awake, I turned on the radio, just as the DJ began reading from a journal. The journal, written by a missionary who apparently had too much on her plate too, was about what God spoke to her from the scriptures. That day, it just happened to be that God had talked to her about running on her own steam, rather than letting God be her steam. I sat in awe. What she was describing was exactly what I was experiencing. Here was the answer to my Re-Tiredness. I did not need more B-complex or coffee. Sleep would not fix the problem. The answer lay in my attempt to do it all, under my own strength, instead of relying on God to provide HIS strength.
I can truly say, just identifying the problem was a big relief. I decided for that day, to do only what I needed to do, instead of running until I collapsed. I started to sing along with the songs on the radio. Songs of praise to the God who knows and provides for my every need. With all my heart, jamming and dancing in the car seat, voice lifted in praise, I suddenly felt strength returning to me.
I am sure the fellow driving in the car next to me thought I had escaped from the Looney Bin. His eyes betrayed what his mouth could not say, but I really didn’t care. I had reached overload, and God had been there to pick me up, brush me off and empower me to go on. Not in my strength, but in His.
Copyright © 2011 by Susan Linn-Gomez. All Rights Reserved.
Beautiful as always. I love you Sus!!!
ReplyDeleteRosie