The Disappointments of Life

I was listening to Laura Story's new song as I was driving back home from the nursing home, weary after another long and seemingly unfruitful day.  As I drove up the road, the mountains loomed bigger and bigger in front of me, and I thought how much more each day feels like climbing the mountain, only to go back down and do it again, again never seeming to get any further down the road of life. 


And then the song came on.  What if my greatest disappointments were the greatest blessings in my life?  What if my own plans and dreams were not the best for me, and God had created a thousand detours along the way, to bring me to this place, this time, new plans not my own, new dreams not my own?  What if what God had planned for my life was bigger than anything I could imagine or dream? 


And I thought about those plans, thwarted in their place, and the diverse paths I have walked, either because of my own stubbornness or my own selfishness. 


I was a girl like any other.  Dreams of horses, then parties, then going to college, white picket fences with a house full of children and a loving husband.  I was no different than most girls, but my life took turns that didn't coincide with any of my dreams, try as hard as I might to achieve them.  Horses and parties took a back seat to wanting to go to college, and college took a back seat to survival, and white picket fenced houses took a back seat to putting a roof over my head. The children came, but the husbands left. And yet I still struggled to keep the path toward my own dreams and goals, never considering what God might want in my life.  In the end, all these set aside dreams took back place to something bigger. 


During the time of the "setting asides" my heart was breaking.  I wondered what I had done wrong, where did I go wrong, and then I would try to fix it, so I could get back on track.  That only led me further down the path of disappointment and discontent.  I remember one day driving down the road, weary, feeling lost, after yet another loss in my life, and crying out to God, and telling Him, "I can't do this anymore. You have to help me!"


And that was the biggest turning point in my life.  Not that life got any easier, but I got easier.  I became more content with what I had in my life, and less desiring of the things of life.  I developed a hunger to know this God who had so many times spared me from my own consequences, and who now was setting me on a different path.  I began to share that path with my children, my friends, and anyone who came near me. 


One of the biggest disappointments in my life had been the fact that although I had married three times, I could not sustain the marriages, and I could not figure out why.  After the last disappointment in this, I took a long hard look at myself.  Yes, the men I was with were all abusive, neglectful or unfaithful in their own ways, however there was one factor, one common factor in all the relationships, and that factor was me.  Somehow I had this vision in my head, this dream, like I was Cinderella and it was supposed to be my lot in life to suffer, but that in the end, the Prince would come.  And every time, my Prince turned out to be a toad. During those times, I was so lonely, so hungry to be loved and accepted, that I would have done anything to get what I wanted.  


But on that day, crying out to God, I gave it all up to Him.  If He wanted me married, he would bring a man into my life, by some miracle, as He usually does things, and if He didn't then I would have to accept that.  The picket fence dream would have to die. It took months, even years, of giving this back to Him.


And one day I realized that I had missed the entire point of the picket fence ordeal.  My Prince had come.  He had walked with me through all of my disappointments, my failures, my trials.  He had never abandoned me to my own mess, but had carefully stepped in to ensure my survival through whatever mess I had gotten myself into.  All of the loneliness I had endured, the abandonment by my father and my husbands, the disappointment and hurt I felt during those times, were His blessings in disguise.  For in losing all I had, I found who I was, but more importantly, I found who my Prince was.  And He has never disappointed me. 
Copyright © 2011 by Susan Linn-Gomez. All Rights Reserved.