A Trip to the Doctor.

For those of you who have been wondering if I abandoned this project, the answer is no.  For the past month and a half, I have just not been up to par.  I thought that it was perhaps just a season of silence, also known as writer’s block.  A trip to my doctor confirmed that that was not the case. 

I had scheduled my yearly visit because I was feeling a strange tightness in my chest.  When I scheduled it, I thought I would see him as usual and he would give me a short list of things to do, which I would immediately abandon to go on with my busy life.  A short 15 minutes after I called, he called me back, “Go to the emergency room”, he said.  “Why?” I replied.  “Because I said so!” he replied.  Now that has never been enough reason for me to do anything, just because someone told me to.  And I let him know I was not that bad off that I needed to spend 4 or 5 hours of my precious time sitting in a room full of sick people reading 3-year-old magazines.  I told him I was fine, and he let me know that I had better keep my appointment, in no uncertain terms.  Like he was going to hunt me down or something. 

For those of you wondering, I have a wonderful rapport with my doctor.  He checks me out, tells me what to do, and I go merrily on my way, forgetting whatever it was he said.  I usually see him once a year, he gets his digs in (You need to lose weight, you need to stop this or that, you need to get all these tests done.), and then he forgives me for not doing anything he tells me.  This year however, I went prepared.  I weighed myself before I went, on the off chance that his scale was wrong, and went with the lightest clothing I could find.  At least I felt I had covered one base.

This year the visit was different.  I was not feeling well, and when he took my blood pressure, it was “off the charts” as he said.  Then he asked me what had been going on in my life over the past year.  I told him I had retired, and he concurred that that was a good thing, and then said “And what else”.   ”Well, lets see.  I have lost five friends this year in the space of eight months, the most recent in just the past couple of weeks.  I have taken on going to the nursing home, not just for my dad, but also for all of his roommates. (When I leave there, I have a list long as my arm.).   I am still working 18 hours a week, but I had been putting in another 25 doing stuff for other people.  This is, after all, what I feel I was called to do.  Which means anything someone else asks me to do.  So in all actuality, I am retired, but I am working more hours than I did when I worked full time.  BUT it is for a good cause.”  I paused, thinking of some way to redeem my prior statements.  Then it came to me.  “You know your scale is only 4/10ths more wrong than mine…”   

I wasn’t really paying attention to him as I related this, but when I looked up, his eyes were big and very, very stern looking, and he said, “I believe this is stress related, but just to be sure, I am going to check your heart, considering your age..”  What, now I am old??

He proceeded to name off a list of the things I had to do, as he wrote up the referrals, known by me as “The List.”  “I want you to have an Echocardiogram, an EKG, complete battery of blood work, a Nuclear Stress Test, a chest X-ray.  Then I want you back here in two weeks for more blood work and a blood pressure check. Then I want you back here in three weeks for a follow-up and in four weeks another follow-up. “My brain began to tune him out and all I as hearing was Yadayada yada…… And then it hit me.  “So you want me to reduce my stress, but you give me a list as long as my arm, adding things to my already busy schedule.  What part of reducing stress is this?” 

“It’s the part where we find out what is wrong with you.” 

Now he didn’t have to order a battery of tests longer than a college entrance exam.   He could have just asked me, and I would have told him what was wrong with me.  I am stubborn and willful.   That is why I throw his list out the window as I am driving out of his parking lot.  It is also the reason why I think I can do all things myself, unassisted, and it is also the reason why I think no one else can do those things.  It is apparently also the reason why my blood pressure went through the roof this past month.  And there is one other reason why I feel this way. 

I am in a constant learning process.  God is always teaching me some new thing, and if I shrug it off, without learning it, He brings it back to my attention.  Most of the time it is in a gentle manner, reminding me that I need to attend to something, but this time, it was a gripping pain in my chest.  He got my attention.  He has been trying to teach me for years that in order to be an effective servant, I have to take care of myself.

Dr. C. will be happy to note that I am following all of his instructions, even though I am complaining about them the entire time.  He really is the best doctor I have ever known, and I give him props for not throwing me out years ago.  However, I still want to add that if he didn’t want me to be stressed, he should have ordered up a paid vacation on a beach somewhere, far from the demands of life, where I couldn’t get myself into trouble. 

Although I doubt the insurance would pay for it, and I am sure that there is no where on the planet I couldn’t find some trouble to get into.  But at least, he could try.. 
Copyright © 2011 by Susan Linn-Gomez. All Rights Reserved.

“He gave up his place for me. “ A better way to say, I love you.

My father lives in a nursing facility, and is known as MR. Linn, to all the aides and nurses.  He has a tendency to complain a lot, and gets fairly vocal when he doesn’t get his way.  His roommate, John, is on the opposite end of the spectrum.  He is a very quiet man.  He is twenty years younger than my father is, but he suffered a very major stroke that left him paralyzed on his right side.  Although he has every right to complain, I have yet to hear him do so. 

A few days ago, I went to see my father who was busy giving instructions to the nurse’s aide in the bathroom, so I sat down to talk with John.  I asked him what he had been doing, and he gave a very nice reply, “Listening to your Mother.”  (He has Aphasia, which keeps him from getting out the words right.)   I told him how much I appreciated that he put up with my dad’s talking to himself all the time, and gave him a hug. 

A couple of days later, I came in, and my dad signaled me to come over where we could talk quietly so John would not hear.  Dad had tears in his eyes.  I asked him what was wrong, and he said that he had been down in the hallway waiting for his shower, complaining about how they were always changing the schedule around, and how he got put back behind people all the time.  He was sitting next to John, when John signaled the aide to come over and John whispered something to the aide.  The next thing Dad knew, John was being wheeled off to his room.  My dad asked why, and the aide said that he had let my dad go first. 

Now this is not a little thing.  It may seem like it to those of us who can go jump in the shower anytime we want, unassisted, but to the patients in that home, bath time is a big deal.  They wait all week for that day, for those few minutes of refreshing.  It is often the biggest day of the week for them. 

My dad shook his head as he related this story, and in tears, he said, “He gave up his place for me.”  I could see his heart was truly changed by what John had done.  I was brought to tears myself by this selfless act of kindness.  From someone who had nothing to give, he gave the only thing he had: his place in line for a shower.  With that one selfless act, he showed his love for my dad and for me, even if we do not deserve it.

I thought about if I had ever given up my place in line, in traffic, or anywhere for someone who complained all the time.  Or how many times have I set aside my own needs, to give to someone who did not appreciate it?   Yet, here was this man, showing love to the unlovable, giving up all that he had, so that someone else could be blessed.

I can truly say it was a revelation.  I can see that, in spite of his disability, the heart of Christ truly lives in John.  He showed me a better way to live toward those who complain all the time, who make demands on you.  He showed me that simply to give up my place I could make a change in someone’s heart. He showed me the heart of Christ, the one who gave up his place in Heaven for me.  
 Copyright © 2011 by Susan Linn-Gomez. All Rights Reserved.

Keep Shining!!

I took a walk across the hills this morning, watching the moon wane, and the sun begin its ascent.  Lately, I have felt that I am the waning moon, just barely showing itself in the sky, rather than a brilliant sunrise.  And that has bothered me.

For one, I would like to be out of this funk, and off laughing somewhere.  For two, I would like to be off doing something other than what I have been doing.  But I am stuck. Stuck in the middle of taking care of an elderly parent, stuck in the heat, stuck in a rut.  Or so I have thought.

This morning I was listening to a song on my MP3 player that has been there that I just sort of skipped past for the last 10 years.  The song, by Third Day, Keep Shinin’ was a wake up call for me. 

I have been wearing myself out trying to do everything for everybody.  Yes, this is one of my greatest faults.  Because when I am in this mode, I occasionally, or often as my daughter states it, get grumpy.  She has even accused me of being like my dad, which only made me grumpier.  What am I reflecting when I am like that, and whose fault is that?  Answer to first question. Nothing good. Answer to second question. Mine.

“Let your light so shine before all men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father, which is in Heaven.“  Mr. Matthew had a point there that I often forget.  Not the “Letting your light shine” part, nor the “See the good works” part, but the “Glorify your Father in Heaven” part.

Walking out in the beautiful morning, I thought about all that I was seeing.  The earth, fresh with the scent of rain, the rocks gleaming in the sun, and the moon, waning just to a faded light; all of these things reflect the glory of God.  They don’t DO anything to show His glory.  I did not notice any of the rocks jumping up and down and screaming “Hallelujah! “  And the mountains have not put up any billboards advertising, “Go to church today! “   No, they are just what God made them.  The waning moon, although dim this morning, was just being the moon, not attempting to continue shining on its own power.

Nothing in nature, except humanity, tries to be something it is not.  It does its job simply by being what it was created to be. Humans seem to struggle to grasp this concept.  We think we need a new program, or a new mission, or a new calling in order to shine.  We try to BE the light.  And in doing so, we shine brightly for a while, then go out like candles with no wicks.

We are not self-powered green energy.  We cannot create our own light. If we try, we may burn bright for a while, but we will soon become dim, and then darkness sets in.  What we are is a reflection of the One who created us, who redeemed us, and who gives us the fuel to keep shining a light in a darkened world.  We don’t need to prove anything or try to be something we are not.

We just need to be still and reflect the Son. 
 Copyright © 2011 by Susan Linn-Gomez. All Rights Reserved.

The Buts of Life

I once took a biblical personality test for a counselor I was seeing.  He evaluated it, smiled and returned it to me, announcing, “You are an Elijah!” 

Needless to say, I was ecstatic.  For that moment, I thought perhaps I was not as messed up as I thought I was.  Elijah is one of my favorite Bible greats!  This was the man who drew down fire from Heaven and burned up 3000 of his opponents!  This was the man who prayed for drought and not a drop of rain fell for seven years!  This was the man who prayed for rain, and it fell out of one little cloud, enough to drench the entire desert!  This was the man taken up to Heaven in a chariot of fire, without having to die!  Few parallel him in the works he had done.  And for just an instant, only an instant, I secretly gloated. 

The counselor proceeded with his review of my biblical personality.  “Elijah was a great man of power.  But   There was that word.  “But” The word that always preceded not so great results. The word that, as a conjunction, connects something great to something not so great.

What were the “Buts?”   There was one really big one.  Whenever Elijah had accomplished something truly great, as commanded by God, he then went into an even greater depression and went crying into a corner.  Instead of feeling how awesome to be used by God, and feeling empowered by that, he felt fear, dejection, and in one instance, even ran into hiding from the weakest of his enemies.  At one point, he was so depressed that he asked God to let him die because he was afraid of a woman.

Wow.  What an eye-opener.  Not that it was something I wanted to see.  As the counselor went on in his assessment of my lack of backbone, he revealed that this one trait prevented me from moving forward, not just in life, but also spiritually.  There went my hopes of a golden chariot carrying me off in a cloud.  As I watched them fall to the floor, in itty-bitty pieces, I wanted to run and hide, and I hadn’t even finished out my hour yet.

When I got home, I was a mess, or maybe it is better said, that I had finally discovered how much of a mess I was.  I cried.  I prayed.  I got out my Bible and started to read about Elijah, just one more time to verify what I had just found out. 

There in black and white, in my face, was the evidence.  Yes, Elijah had been one of those people who fall apart after some big thing in their life.  But as I looked deeper, I found something else that my counselor had failed to reveal.  At those low points in his life, God came to rescue him. 

Digging even deeper, I found something so profound, I had to read it twice, even though I had read it many times before.  When Elijah was crying by the brook Cherith, and wanting to die, God sent a raven to bring bread to give him strength.  And when he was hiding in the wilderness, begging God to let him die, God sent an angel to feed him. The profundity that I found was that Elijah, mighty man of God, was just as I am.  A weak person at times, sometimes a little prideful, human but always in God’s tender care, mercy and love.

I am sure I will not be carried off to Heaven in a chariot of fire.  It is almost certain; I will never be the person that Elijah was in anything I accomplish.  But, because God loves me, I will make it through this life, tenderly cared for in my times of weakness, finally to enter the gates of Heaven. 

Copyright © 2011 by Susan Linn-Gomez. All Rights Reserved.Please take a moment to enjoy this video by Matthew West.  It speaks volumes!

                     

Who's Your Daddy?

Father’s Day is a difficult day for me.  I am missing the father who raised me.  My Grandad Linn was a kindly man who spoke gently, taught with every word and movement of his life, and loved with all of his being.  On the other hand, on this day, I am currently feeling resentment against my real father, the one who abused me and abandoned me, and seems at times to have no remorse for anything he did, and still, in spite of his age, continues some of his old behavior. (Edited June 19, 2016.  God answers prayers!  Daddy passed away on March 4, 2014, but for nearly a year prior, he was very repentant, begging forgiveness for all that he had done, and when he passed, he was at peace, and there was peace between us!) 

Today, I am fighting with myself over this.  My feelings tell me never to see this man again, never to talk to him again, and to tell him why.  But in my heart, I hear a still, small voice that tells me “Be angry, but do not sin.”  I even went to my Bible to read about how we are to treat those who mistreat us.  I found the best example in the person of Jesus Christ. 

When spoken to in harsh tones, he answered with the truth.  When injured, he did not retaliate, when spat upon, he did not spit back.  When reviled, he laid down his life for those who would kill him, and then prayed from the cross “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” 

My problem today arises from the fact that my father knows what he is doing.  He knows what self-control is.  I see him act this way toward everyone, except his children.  And there is where the anger rises in me like a flood.   But one other thing sticks in my mind.  “Forgive as you have been forgiven.”  There is not a person on the earth who has not either committed some sin, by purposeful action, or by not doing something that needed to be done. And yet God has forgiven me, and restored our relationship.  And because of that, I know that I must do the same. 

Children are reflections of their father.  They can reflect either good or bad that the father did, or they can reject it.  There are no other choices.  I made my choices long ago, as to who my real earthly father was and who I would follow.  Although one fathered me physically, the only one that counted was the one who fathered me spiritually.  He is gone to heaven, waiting for me, and no doubt watching to see what path I will choose, forgiveness or resentment. 

He taught me many things.  One of them was that when you hold on to resentment, it does nothing to the offender, but it does eat you up inside, twisting your thoughts and often your actions.  Bitterness, the opposite of forgiveness, eats the soul, taints the actions, but does nothing to the offender.  

On the other hand, the act of forgiving frees me to do the good I have been taught to do, and frees my offender to correct his actions, or not, whatever his choice is. Forgiveness allows me to move on from the heartache, to the beauty of relationship with my Heavenly Father, and to move forward, rather than living in the past.  Even if that past was just yesterday. 

The most important thing I learned from my Grandad was love.  If I truly am operating in love, I can forgive.  It does not mean that I allow someone to continue to abuse me, and it does not mean that a relationship that is destructive continues as it is.  It does mean I walk forward from the hurt, and let it go.  It means I choose to act in love, and forgive whatever insult or hurt comes my way, knowing that my real father, God in Heaven, watches over me, loves me and provides for me, forgiving me and enabling me to do the same. 

So today, on this Father’s day, I choose to honor my real Father, the one who sees, knows, and has always taken care of me and to honor the spiritual father who took the time to introduce me to Him.   Today, I choose to forgive and move forward with God’s help.
Copyright © 2011 by Susan Linn-Gomez. All Rights Reserved.

Tenderhearted..He Ain't Heavy.. He's My Brother..

Just questioning myself about yesterday’s blog, I wondered what the real word for “tenderhearted” was in the original text of Ephesians 4:32.  I thank God for the English versions, unless any of you can pronounce “EUSPLAGCHNOS”.  

After I found the word in the Greek Lexicon (dictionary), I was grateful that Mr. Strong took the time to let people like me know what the original text meant.  I will only guess that pronouncing this word sounds something like coughing up phlegm, another Greek word that is somewhat tasteless.  

The meaning took me totally by surprise.  It means “Pitiful”.  Now in NEW English that means something that is looked down on, like a pitiful creature, or something to be pitied. However, in Mr. King James day, it meant that you were full of pity for something or someone.  You took pity on them. 

I don’t even like the word Pity.  It sounds something like spitting, which of course would relate back to the entire Phlegm thing.  And most of us don’t like to be “pitied”, because our pride won’t let us admit we need that.

  We Americans like to believe that there is something called a bootstrap, that we can magically pull ourselves up by, and we don’t need the pity of anyone to do it.  Last time I checked, I had no boots, and my tennis shoes don’t have straps.  But what if we humans did have bootstraps installed, how on earth would we accomplish pulling ourselves up from the bottom up?  If you wonder what I am saying, please assume the following position (lay flat on the ground), Then reach down to your feet and grab where ever bootstraps would be if you had any installed on you.  I doubt you will have any luck trying to get up. You would still need the assistance of someone else to accomplish this feat.  

Which brings me to the point I was going to make when I started this venture into Greek. 
Tenderhearted, in this scripture, means to take pity on each other.  To actually have compassion for another human being, and, if I am not mistaken, Pity will move you to action on their behalf.  Or at least to helping them find their own bootstraps. Then it will move you to help them up, since you will find that they, just like you, do not come equipped with bootstraps.  

(please watch the following video, a song that has inspired me for years to help others find their bootstraps.)  
Copyright © 2011 by Susan Linn-Gomez. All Rights Reserved.

The Negative Approach to Life, Or??? Is Up with That??

Why do humans degrade each other with little quips, snide comments and sarcasm?  I have never understood this, although I, like most of the people on the planet have not only suffered from it, but have done it.  It seems to be a rampant disease that has taken over most cultures.  But I remember my grandmother telling me, and it stuck to me like glue “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!” 

So our culture is more “evolved” than it was 40 or 50 years ago, but I am not sure that evolution has taken a turn for the better.  In fact, if anything, I think it has taken a turn for the worse.  We have espoused the idea that if we poke fun at others, or bring their faults to light, or even more devastating, degrade them because of our own feelings about them we become better.  This could not be farther from the truth. 

I am not talking about venting, or airing your feelings.  I know that this is unavoidable of adult life, and that without it relationships do not grow.  Venting your feelings, in a positive way actually opens the door for that growth.  The problem I see is that we have taken to name calling and degrading people instead of looking within ourselves for better ways to communicate, and perhaps seeing our own fault in issues. 

So I am talking to one person in particular right now, and I am not going to point out who, because then I would fall into the same bracket as that person.  I am attempting, with all that is in me not to hurl an insult to point out that the person needs to GROW UP. 

But when I think about that statement, I think perhaps the opposite is true.  We force our children to be “nice” to each other.  We punish them when they call names.  In the mean time, we are in the back room sucking our own thumbs.  Nuff said. 

One thing comes to mind. 

“Be ye kind, one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving, even as God in Christ, forgave you” 

Copyright © 2011 by Susan Linn-Gomez. All Rights Reserved.

Guess that means me too, huh?